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My renewed faith in the gospel of Christ has resulted from a long and winding road of experiences, relationships, and intellectual pursuits. From an allegorical perspective, I probably most relate to character “Christian” in the classic allegory “A Pilgrim’s Progress” written in the 16th century. Christian sensed the burden of his humanity and sinful nature that kept him from freely living in joy and contentment. He goes on a long journey to escape his burdens and pursue the “celestial city” (heaven) and through a long process experiences doubt, false truths or people, temptations of the flesh, and competition of evil over his mind and soul. I don’t think the book tells us how long it took for him to arrive to that “Celestial City”. For me it has taken over 60 years to finally understand (on a limited basis) the purpose of this life from a spiritual perspective.

Even as a child, I was the kind of person who was curious and questioning everything…either directly with adults or by reading adult books. I am grateful that I had this natural curiosity, but I also have struggled because of it.

There is so much information both true and false out there. There are so many sciences and philosophies to learn and understand in perspective. There are so many teachers and influencers who cross our paths in the process…both good and bad ones. It DOES take a lifetime for some of us to get a true perspective of who we were designed to be in combination with the rest of God’s universe. We are easily lost and confused in our limited understanding and experiences.

From a theological perspective, I had tremendous advantages in life. I grew up in a Christian family with a grandfather as a father figure who was a Christian minister. He had this huge library that I “played in” throughout most of my  youth. Somehow this poor, fundamentalist minister of little formal education had amassed a significant library of books, dictionaries and encyclopedias. Some of them would be worth hundreds of dollars today. Through his library and encouragement, I read the Bible straight through a few times by age of 11 and had read the Quran, Book of Mormon, and Jewish Talmud. When I was 5 years old, I would go home after church, gather my neighborhood friends, and preach to them the basics of the sermon I had just heard from my grandfather. Growing up, I think it was assumed I would be a preacher or in ministry…which I was through my 20s and into my early 30s.

The only problem with all of this was I found it very difficult being “in the church”.  I saw so much diversity and division among the masses who call themselves “Christian”. I saw fellow Christians as being very judgmental and callous about “unbelievers”. I started having difficulty accepting believers saying “my personal God” or fighting for THEIR understanding of the Bible, theology and apologetics. I saw the church as almost completely missing the boat on the call of the church to “take care of the poor, widows, and orphans while proclaiming the love and acceptance of God through Jesus Christ our Lord”. Instead, religion has become a great debate over who is right and wrong, who has the “true God” and who is special in “His” sight.

Fortunately I have come to see that “all have sinned and come short of the glory of God” and that no one is justified before God by works, their thinking, or “being a good person”. We are only “justified by faith in Christ, the author and finisher of our faith. Not by works lest any person would boast”. I have lived long enough to see first hand that those who live HUMBLY by faith alone end up being the most exalted by God and his spirit in due time and only when it matters.

I have seen the richest, most powerful people I have met or known being some of the most miserable and empty. I have also met some poor people with nothing in this world and no education, yet who live daily with hope and confidence in their faith with a smile on their faces. Many of them have no expectation or pressures to achieve riches or knowledge in this world, but instead live to help others and wait for the eternal life promised them. This seems foolish and is ridiculed in this secular modern world where most judge each other by what they have, how they look, or what their personalities are. Believe me, behind the exterior of every rich, beautiful person is a lost soul seeking redemption and release from sin and cares of this difficult world. Some of us are blessed to have found faith to fill the blanks, but I know first hand how empty it feels to not sense the blessing and purpose of God in our lives.

One of the key factors of faith in this world is the “fellowship of believers” and the witness of spiritual transformation in those around us. I have been blessed with some family and friends who for decades loved and accepted me even in my spiritual darkness and unbelief. It was their love and acceptance that “kept me hanging around” the ideals of faith and its meaning.  The confidence that many of these people had based on the Biblical understanding of me and this world were living examples of “Christ in us”. This was not intellectual at its core, but experiential of the love and freedom that comes from living free from sin and experiencing God’s spirit in THIS life. It’s called seeing the “fruits of God’s spirit” exhibited in those that believe and trust in Him. These fruits are what kept God’s spirit “hovering” around me until I was ready to acknowledge these mysterious truths and submit to faith.

My other big hangup regarding faith was knowing just enough science, history, and secular philosophies to where there were/are big gaps in my curious nature about why and how things are. If God is who he says he is, how could he allow so much confusion and human suffering in this world of both believers and non-believers alike?  How could he have allowed all the brutality and wars going back to the Old Testament histories of conflict over God and faith, the Crusades between global religions of the Dark Ages, and even now the ongoing wars in the name of God and nationalism?

I struggled with the terrible diseases and accidents I observed in people close to me over the years. Why does God sometimes grant miracle recoveries which I have seen first hand and yet take some of the most spiritual, loving souls from us at early ages? How can He allow children to suffer cancer and all the other ailments that affect innocent children?  These among many other things were details that eventually caused doubt and lack of trust in God for me. I decided he owed me some understanding or explanations before I would make any further claims of faith in Him and his ways.

I must now report honestly that God did not and has not spoken directly to me in an audible voice. He has not chosen to answer my questions through the voices of babes or an ass as he has reportedly done times past. I have not had any major miracle physically or otherwise that has corrected my unbelief. I am now happy for the people that have had these claims and experiences…but I am also content to move forward without such revelations.

Thomas, the disciple of Jesus who was not present when Jesus revealed himself to his apostles upon raising from the dead, found it hard to believe what his fellow apostles were saying about seeing Jesus alive. He said he would not believe until he saw Jesus himself and could see and touch the wounds that had killed him on the cross. Jesus said to him in John 20, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed”.

This to me is one of the main miracles of faith today. While it has been over 2000 years since the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus…even in these modern times faith is being imparted to those willing to consider and open their minds and hearts to the truth of Jesus Christ as God and man. Most of the first disciples lost everything in this world including their lives for the faith they proclaimed in Jesus Christ. That is a miracle itself…love and faith of such magnitude that anyone is willing to die for their beliefs or someone else. Yet, we continue to see this live exhibition of faith all around us in people who willingly sacrifice themselves for the sake of others. People are still dying for their faith in this world. There are still global wars over the truth of God’s proclamation. Most Americans are just soft to it because most of us are not pressed to make such claims or decisions in our lives. I have a feeling that day is coming for many of us to lay down our lives for truth and love. In the flesh it is impossible to fathom, but “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”.

God has allowed me to wallow in my darkness and unbelief for decades now. I can imagine him laughing at MY demands that he answer my questions before I will have a relationship with him. He is the God of the Universe. Who am I? “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD”. Who am I to presume ordering God to make me understand everything immediately? It’s like the 5 year old who decides to run away from home because he doesn’t “like” his parent’s direction or rules that he doesn’t understand. He is too young to drive himself, clothe himself, or feed himself. It will take years for him to understand the how and why of so many things. I have been a child running away from home for too long.

Now that I opened my eyes, mind and heart to spiritual things, it is scary sometimes how fast I am understanding and changing my perception on just about everything. My attitude and emotions regarding people, politics, life styles, education, just about everything is now in a mode of change. It is like a computer update for those of you who understand technology. My ports are plugged into truth like no other time in my 65 years. My old rusty thinking is being challenged by the new data and observations I am making with renewed vision. The more I choose to yield to these changes, the more I am seeing truth for what it is. Where so much was gray before in my thinking…it is becoming black and white.

Not to say I now understand and see everything correctly. Hopefully I am not becoming obnoxious…but I am seeing and speaking the truth “in love” and with the hope that all of us may one day come to the knowledge and love of God through Christ Jesus and joyfully be part of that day when “every knee will bow and mouth confess that Jesus Christ is Lord”.