I have to be honest and admit I have had 2-3 days in a row where I have felt tired, defeated, and like nothing I do really matters in the long run. I have not felt like being around people, definitely not thinking highly of myself, and I find myself both literally and figuratively with my face on the ground before God. Sure, I have visited or spent time with the people closest to me and have put on my normal smile of love and care…but I can’t say it has come from my whole being. There are a number of things going on in the world that really bother me and yet I know there is nothing I can do about them. Sure, I can “pray”, but that even feels useless and futile, especially if I believe in a sovereign God who is in control of all things ultimately.
Ernest Hemingway once wrote: “The hardest lesson I’ve had to learn as an adult is the relentless need to keep going, no matter how shattered I feel inside.” Mr. Hemingway obviously did not always keep going relentlessly as he ended his life by his own hand for whatever reasons. Many have conjectured it was his reaction to his suffering and pain…both physically and mentally. Even though we get dark and weary sometimes, life continues to move forward relentlessly. Some of us have some bearing on where life is taking us or can have in impact on motivating others to keep moving forward in a positive direction. Most of us have little or no influence on the people and society around us. We are lucky to simply control and move ourselves forward in whatever direction we are lead. There are far more cattle than there are “cowboys”.
Some questions for myself come out of these darker days. Why do I care so much about the various lunacies controlling our social dialogue in these tech driven times? Why do I care about the many people in my circles suffering either physically or mentally with no apparent deliverance supplied at their beck and call? Why do I struggle so much with what I deem false, humanistic “gospels” that plague the Christian church and secular society overall? Why do I push to express my musical and intellectual ideas when I find so few that really hear or desire to understand me? What is the use?
Then, out of the depth of my despair, a sliver of light pops into my mind and/or being. Scriptures that I was taught or read as a youth start returning to my consciousness. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me (Psalm 23). “The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?” (Psalm 27). “This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life.” (Psalm 119)
Finally, I am taken to Psalm 16 and by the end of reading it…I am released from the dark thoughts of a few days and can think clearly once again…
Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord;
I have no good apart from you.”
As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,
in whom is all my delight.
The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;
their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out
or take their names on my lips.
The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup;
you hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
I bless the LORD who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me.
I have set the LORD always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.
For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
or let your holy one see corruption.
You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
It is then I accept truth over circumstances…